Sometimes you know you shouldn't be depressed, that it's not the time, and that you can't afford to be upset or breakdown. But it's normally then that the breakdown occurs. And it's a vicious cycle, one depressing thoughts will trigger others. I lost count how many times I caught myself having suicidal thoughts in the past few days. But it's not like I'm still young and all. Entertaining the thought of self harm isn't like it used to be. Especially when logically I know I have lots to be happy about. I have a perfect boyfriend, who's my everything. I'm, well, reasonably healthy. I'm living comfortably, doing soemthing that I like. Why the hell should I let small things break me down? But it does. And it really really annoys me. More than the actual depression does. The fact that I'm so weak piss the hell out of me. Doesn't help that there's someone around the place that constantly remind me how much of a failure I am and how I've failed my own father. I don't even know what it is that I've done wrong. When you got told to be something that goes against everything it is that you hold tight as your principal in life, what are you supposed to do?
Mayeb I should go drown myself in my research again. Forcing myself to work might be a good idea. At least it's productive.
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